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Ruthless

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Kabanata 118

Naglo-load…Naglo-load…

Naglo-load…Naglo-load…

1. Ruthless. 2. The world is cruel.

Naglo-load…Naglo-load…

1. We drive for a while.

1. I'm sorry for being late.

1. Not too far from the gala, but far enough for the city lights to vanish behind us.

1. The air is quiet.

1. Neither of us talks.

1. But her hand never lets go of mine.

1. "Follow me."

1. It looks like we're in the middle of

1. Nowhere.

1. "We arrived."

1. "Oh...what is this place?"

1. Marble floors.

1. Crystal chandeliers...

1. Tall arched windows draped in silk

1. Draped in silk.

1. And in the center...a wide pool, glowing under a vaulted glass ceiling.

1. "It's unreal."

1. "...wow."

1. "I know."

1. "It used to be my grandmother's." 2. "This...whole place?"

1. She loved quiet spaces. She hated the

1. "Noise of the main house."

1. "So she bought this villa, restored it, and turned it into her sanctuary."

1. "She called it her secret garden."

1. "When I was a kid, I used to come here with her during summer breaks."

1. "It might be a little cold right now, but it won't be too bad."

1. "We used to stay here all day, painting, swimming, just being quiet."

1. "It's really beautiful."

1. "After she died, no one else came here."

1. "Not my father. Not the staff. Just me."

1. "And now you."

1. I don't say anything. There's a lump in my throat...

1. "I hadn't been"

1. "I haven't been here in a long time, especially since I started university."

1. "But the other day... I came back to clean." 2. "It was in pretty bad shape, like I told you, no one really comes here."

1. "But I think I did a decent job."

1. "As you can see, it doesn't look so bad anymore."

1. "Yeah... It doesn't. It's beautiful."

1. "Sit, here."

1. We sit there in silence for a while.

1. The sound of water echoes softly around us.

1. I keep looking at her.

1. She hasn't said anything else.

1. used.

1. And just stares at the water...

1. Like she's somewhere else completely.

1. I want to say something, but I don't want to push her either.

1. Still... We need to talk.

1. "Sera..."

1. "I didn't mean for any of it to happen. I never meant to hurt her."

1. She doesn't look at me. 2. "I didn't even"

1. "Think much of it, honestly."

1. "I didn't know she was getting attached, or that she was that fragile."

1. "I didn’t know... Until it was too late."

1. "They told me she tried to take her life."

1. "That she left a note."

1. "And in the note... She mentioned me."

1. I don't say anything. I let her keep going.

1. But she still won't look at me.

1. "That kind of guilt...it doesn't fade."

1. "I...I didn't even know what to do."

1. "You were young and you were hurting."

1. "You made mistakes."

1. "But that doesn’t mean you deserved what came after."

1. "I don't know... I mean I wanted to talk to her and apologise..."

1. "And apologise... Anything." 2. "But her parents didn't want me near her."

1. "They said I ruined their daughter. That I was the reason." 2. "They wanted"

1. "They wanted money. A lot of it."

1. "I didn't have it. I was just a student. So I went to my him..."

1. There's venom in that

1. Word. 2. I know exactly who she means.

1. She finally looks at me.

1. "I didn't want to. But I didn't know what else to do."

1. "He paid them off. Silenced everything."

1. "And then, of course, reminded me of"

1. "It every chance he got." 2. "'you owe me. If it wasn't for me, you'd be in jail. Or expelled. Or worse.'"

1. "...and I believed him."

1. I say the thing

1. I say the thing I know she's never dared say out loud.

1. "No sera... Your father didn't save you."

1. "Yeah, he paid something. But he used it to control you." 2. "!"

1. "That's not saving. That's owning..."

1. "And when it happened, you didn't run."

1. "You could've denied everything. Acted like it wasn't your fault."

1. "You tried and took responsibility. That's more than most people would've done."

1. "But I couldn't fix it and... I let him fix it."

1. "So I must be just as bad."

1. "No sera."

1. "Some things don't get fixed. But that doesn't mean you didn't try."

1. I feel like I've been living under it ever since. 2. Like no matter what I do, it's never enough to erase it.

1. "To erase it."

1. "So I keep going. I keep trying to be better." 2. "To be... Whatever version of me makes up for the past."

1. "You don't owe him your life. Not for that or for anything."

1. "Then how do I get rid of this feeling?"